In a conversation with my son one word brought a flood of memories rushing back. the word was homeless. I immediately thought of my mother and a ride we took. We pulled up to a busy intersection in Macon where a man was standing with a sign. One word. Homeless. Mom dug in her purse and handed me a five dollar bill to give to the man which I did. I couldn’t speak. This was completely out of character for my mother. When I regained my senses I asked her and she told me the following.
” I had a dream last night that frightened me to my core. I dreamed that I was in my 20’s and was lost in Atlanta. No one would help me. I had no money. I had no food. I had no car and most frightening of all was I had no place to go. There was no destination I was just lost begging for help and no one heard me. I know that man will probably go spend that money on liquor but that is not my concern. I realize I have not been as good a Christian as I could have been. He may be hungry. Eddie that was more than a dream I had. I think I’m being prepped. I think Jesus put that man there to see if I was listening.”
Mom died a month later.
I don’t write as often as I should. I just don’t. It seems I have fallen into the social media cycles of venting and expression and empathy and sympathy and even apathy because of saturation of opinions from all sides. But this is different.This is different because this is one of those special moments when I HAVE to write not because I need to make a social statement but because I just need to say ” I hear you.”
Standing on my porch this morning after daybreak I was smoking one of my two daily cigarettes. This is my favorite time of day. I caught some movement over my left shoulder and saw a small spike buck I’ve named Red, because of his color, grazing about twenty yards away. Apparently I was down wind because here I was smoking a cigarette and he walked right by me. What was also odd was he was not alone. I see him everyday but he has been alone since he left the herd which still comes through. He had a small female with him.
They were on an open field just about 50 yards away and there was a stand of about three pine trees between us. I was waiting for them to come into view. Instead a red tail hawk flew out heading for the sky. I know those deer had to have spooked that hawk but I laughed and thought ” Ok Tata’s shape shifting.”
I went on about my morning cleaning and was doing laundry when I was stopped in my tracks. I heard the most beautiful sound in the world and just lay over the top of the washing machine. I felt my father inside my chest. I felt the same explosion of emotion that I used to feel whenever I held him with his little white head pressed into my chest. I love him no less today than I ever did. I miss him more every day. If you are still reading this I’m impressed because I did not write this for you.The TV was on while I was cleaning and a movie was playing in the background. The movie was ” Alive ” and at the end of the movie was the sound that stopped me. Daddy’s favorite. So if you are still reading then you most definitely should listen to this song all the way through. It will probably be the most rewarding part of this experience. Or not. I didn’t write this for you anyway. I wrote this just to say, ‘I hear you Tata! Have a great day!”
I worked at the nursing home this weekend. I have taken some time off for various reasons and have genuinely missed being around those beautiful people. I’ve missed the staff as much as the residents.
I’ve written before about the married couples that reside here and I feel we are fortunate that we have the opportunity to be part of their lives. There’s something special about sitting with them. Once the door shuts you are sitting in their living room. There are various pieces of artwork, recliners, little refrigerators and pictures. Lots of pictures.
They talk about their relationship with gentle banter playing off each other. We have had couples that have been married for as long as 76 years. When one of the spouses begin to decline you will witness a part of the human experience and journey that few people are blessed to see or be a part of.
The remaining spouse, be it male or female, becomes the caregiver. They want to feed their mate.. Take them the bathroom. Wipe their brow and give them comfort rarely leaving their side. When their mate dies the remaining survivor usually must find new purpose. They often maintain the same routine that they shared with their mate. Whether it was playing bingo or a glass of wine in the evening or just sitting outside at the same time everyday.
So Saturday as I was pulling in to work I saw one of the residents outside. She had recently lost her husband. Every morning she and her husband would sit outside in the sun. This morning she was sitting outside in the sun with her hands in her lap, her head slightly tilted back, sunglasses on and just a faint smile on her face.
I don’t know what she was thinking but I know I thought ” she looks like a bird on a wire…” Some humans mate for life.
Entry and exit are both the same
though we call them each by a different name
Through birth we enter with wrinkled hands and face
longing for the comfort of our mothers embrace
blinded by light gasping for breath
we are laid gently upon mothers chest
We cannot walk nor can we stand yet we know
we are safe just touching her hand
We cannot walk nor can we stand yet
we know we are safe if you just hold our hand
We lie in this bed with wrinkled hands and face
longing for the comfort of that special embrace
blinded by light gasping for breath we lay our
youthful face upon our Fathers chest
Now I hope you understand they are the same
we just know them by different names
So if you have fears lay them to rest
one is called birth the other is death
A friend of mine posted these words and I immediately thought, how simple, yet how profound.
What if we lived our lives with that mantra. Life is right here. Right now. It is not about our past accomplishments or past failures. It is about today. This moment in time. It is about how and what impact we have on those around us. One action or reaction can have an indelible imprint on others lives and we might never be aware that it has happened.
What if we loved the same way. Right here. Right now. How much more respect and passion would be poured into our relationships if we didn’t let the past be a part of the present or inhibit our future because of fear.
Working in a nursing home presents many opportunities for ” right here. right now”. That is all someone stricken with Alzheimer’s has. They don’t have yesterday and tomorrow never comes for them.
In fact, the only time they can grasp yesterday is when they are laying in their beds .Their chest does not rise often and you hold their hand and whisper to them, “It’s ok to let go. You are safe. And the angels are here to embrace you. Right here. Right now.
https://youtu.be/8q182kWAhiM I do not know why my past history has been so heavy on my heart the last couple of days. I think I really do know. One of my sisters sent me a photo of my parents graves this week. She had put some beautiful flowers on their grave. The picture unleashed a flood of memories. While most of the memories were good they brought with them an introspection of my life. I have hurt so many people in almost every way that you could you possibly imagine.
Though I know God has forgiven me I carry them with me. I guess this is my penance for the pain that I have left behind me. That’s fair enough.
One of those memories reminds me of my salvation. At the age of 47 I was baptized. I hear people say they accepted Christ into their lives at the age of 7 or 10 or even 12. I think that is great but I do not believe that at that age they can fully understand the power of that act. At the age of 47 I KNEW that He literally saved my life.
I had seen friends die with the needle in their arm. I had shook my head that another has been found dead dropped on the side if the road riddled with bullets. The cops didn’t care. It was just one more drug dealer for them to try to catch. I didn’t care because in my mind at the time it meant there were just more addicts that needed a new source to feed their addictions. Business was booming. I have done or had someone else do horrible things to people who owed me money. Everyone else would pay if you just hurt one or two a year.
I have never been able to apologize to all the people I have hurt on this dark road I traveled for so many years. Maybe that is why I can’t put those memories to rest. I know many of you may look upon me differently. But you don’t know what it’s like
When there is jubilation in the room as life is pushed from the womb
We are there.
If your child scrapes his chin or the bone sticks through the skin
We are there.
If you are lying in the road under a car that somehow rolled
We are there
When the soldier cries out and falls we will crawl through it all
We are there
When your fathers in the bed and before you get there he’ll be dead
We are there
When the grief is too much to bear and you need a shoulder to share
We are there
When it’s your time to go take comfort and always know
We are there
Sometimes when we get home and we’re sitting all alone
We may cry or we may just stare
Our God made us this way so we get up every day and give
And our gift is care.
Union County Nursing Home