I find myself wondering , as I have so often , what exactly am I doing here ? The answer is familiar. I don’t really know . I may be looking for a way to get out of myself , which in the past usually meant some type of self destructive decisions. Usually mind altering or life changing . A blog seems to be an uncomplicated , safe , maybe even healthy vehicle to accomplish that goal . I had a therapist tell me ( another story for another time ) that no matter what I achieved in life that I would be a failure if I did not write. So maybe this is a feeble attempt to salvage something good out of a life that has very little good to show for fifty-three years. We’ll see .
I have stood on the edge of many different platforms. Sometimes I knew exactly what was awaiting when I took that next step. Other times it was simply an abyss that seemed to draw me down. I find myself on the edge now .
I am the primary , the only , caregiver for my father. A saint of a man in his eighty-third year of life and his twenty-sixth year of Parkinson’s Disease. I have been doing this for four or five years now.I have a strong support group in my siblings. My mother is also present but she has her own health issues that seem to be worsening daily. I have gone as long as two years without a day away and it takes a toll in so many ways. My health has suffered , my weight has ballooned , and my emotions can be very unstable .
It has been more than ninety-days since I have had any time to myself and I know that it will be many , many , more before the opportunity arises that I will be afforded that luxury. Let me explain , for the people who have never experienced end of life care giving , that this means twenty-four hours a day . No weekends , holidays , etc. My siblings are good hard working people but they can really offer nothing more than moral support due to their own responsibilities .
I know my fathers life is almost over. I watch his decline , along with my mothers , every day and in turn I grieve every day . So where will my foot land when I take the next step. Like I said at the beginning , I don’t really know .