My sister started this blog for me in September because she said I had become a recluse and isolated caring for my father for the previous five years. I thought that by now I would have adjusted to him being gone. He passed from this world to the next on January 5 of this year. Lately he has been constantly on my mind. Things that are said or situations that arise, not to mention the hawk that appears every time I go outside now, brings laughter mixed with tears. This was the second post on my blog and I really am just as clueless now as I was then.
Watching the curtain close on the life of a loved one can bring a bizarre mix of emotions.You wonder about the life being lost and the life left behind. In my case it is my father. He has battled Parkinson’s Disease (PD) for twenty-six years that we know of and longer I’m sure before diagnosis. Now at eighty-three his days are short since sleep seems to occupy the majority of his time. I wonder if this is how it will end for him ? Will he just not wake up one day ? Will he choose to stay in bed instead of moving to his favorite chair or sitting in the sun in the yard ? That would be a blessing I guess . There are so many alternatives that could be much worse
I sleep in the same room with him and some of the best memories I will have will be role playing different characters for him in his dreams. He has very vivid and vocal dreams and I never know who I will be or what adventure we will be undertaking. I have been one of his brothers cruising the streets in younger days. He has even told me to move over so he can drive because I wasn’t going fast enough. I have been one of his buddies on the golf coarse getting teased about my sorry drive. I have been a soldier , a customer , an employee and a son .
Sometimes when I tuck him in and kiss him good night I wonder. Have you done everything with your life that you wanted to do ? Have you had a good life ? I know that it started in poverty and you worked and were successful but are you content and are you ready to let go and move forward to receive your much deserved peace and reward ?
And am I ready ? He has been like my child for the last five years. I have fed him , dressed him , bathed him , changed his soiled clothes , helped him walk and picked him up when he fell . When the time comes for him to go , who and what will I be ? He is the reason for me to stay alive right now and I know that there will be more than just a void when he is gone . There will be an identity crisis that I am trying to prepare for but I really don’t know how. I will no longer be my fathers care giver. I will be a fifty-five year old man with no verifiable work history for the past five to seven years . Prospects are not looking good .