There is no other time of year that I dread more than the season that is upon us now. I don’t know why but I have historically had difficult times dealing with the “holiday cheer”. Without warning or provocation I wrestle with a deep depression that covers me like a blanket. This particular season will be exponentially worse just because of the situation that I’m living in. In the past I would just get in my car and disappear until sometime after Christmas but that is not an option. My father just started Hospice this week.
Even though I feel I am prepared for his passing the affirmation that Hospice brings with it is a sobering fact. I know that I will be right here by his side. He is my example. With everything that he has to deal with he has been like a rock. I do not know how he does it. But if he can do it then so can I. I can not let my emotions , my depression , become a factor in his life. I would be suffering these same dark thoughts even if I weren’t his care giver.
I need to run. I need to be in a car with a tank full of gas , the windows down , no destination and Duane Allmans guitar crying on the stereo. I need to be right here by my fathers side making this journey with him. I actually envy him. His trip is nearing its end. Right now , today , I would gladly change places with him.Not for some noble reason like giving up my life so he could live but simply because he has so much to live for and as for myself ? I can’t think of a damn thing.