There is no other time of year that I dread more than the season that is upon us now. I don’t know why but I have historically had difficult times dealing with the “holiday cheer”. Without warning or provocation I wrestle with a deep depression that covers me like a blanket. This particular season will be exponentially worse just because of the situation that I’m living in. In the past I would just get in my car and disappear until sometime after Christmas but that is not an option. My father just started Hospice this week.
Even though I feel I am prepared for his passing the affirmation that Hospice brings with it is a sobering fact. I know that I will be right here by his side. He is my example. With everything that he has to deal with he has been like a rock. I do not know how he does it. But if he can do it then so can I. I can not let my emotions , my depression , become a factor in his life. I would be suffering these same dark thoughts even if I weren’t his care giver.
I need to run. I need to be in a car with a tank full of gas , the windows down , no destination and Duane Allmans guitar crying on the stereo. I need to be right here by my fathers side making this journey with him. I actually envy him. His trip is nearing its end. Right now , today , I would gladly change places with him.Not for some noble reason like giving up my life so he could live but simply because he has so much to live for and as for myself ? I can’t think of a damn thing.
I can feel the pain within your words. Maybe what you are trying to run from is the mind that keeps thinking and thinking, but yet finds no value in anything.That is not the ‘real you’. I would say more but it would be presumptuous. Best wishes, Marie
Pretty insightful. I have always described this as a bad movie that runs at fast forward through my mind over and over. All it shows are failures and tragedies of the past and I don’t know how to turn it off
So understand going into highway coma. I’d do that. Run/radio/music on. Eventually I saw it for what it was so appreciate wanting to bypass the holiday(s). Once someone said to me, ‘Quit reacting. Invent your own ritual/tradition for this season.’ I used to more often react than act. So I did. I avoid malls. The TV is pretty much off with all the blather of the faux season. I think you’re so right with if Dad can/I can. Take care.
Thank you so much for making me feel less like an oddity. Thank you.
i can think of a few reasons.
I love you so much!!!!! I didn’t feel like you need me in your life in order to be successful or happy. But by posting those few words you have given me a reason also. I love you. And I miss you.