I wanted to post this in appreciation of my sisters who knew long before I did what path my life should follow. Thank you for your love and guidance. Thank you for believing in me when I could see nothing to believe in myself. This was originally posted November 2012.
>In and out …In and out. I lay here at night and listen the soft comforting sound of my fathers breathing. In and out. What a sweet sound to my ears. It is not unlike the sounds of the sea , the tide flowing .In and out There is no rattle in his breathing even though he is on hospice care.
Actually he is in pretty darn good physical condition except for his Parkinson’s that he has fought for the last twenty-six years.But just the word hospice brings a feeling of finality that one would rather not have to accept. I can accept some of it . Some of it I can’t. I can accept the nurse coming once a week to check him out so that I know I am doing the right things. TATA , my father , does not know the ladies are from hospice. There is no need for him to have that information.He believes they are friends of my sister , who is also a nurse , that just stops by to visit . He loves company and really tries to shine when someone is visiting. I can accept the wonderful items hospice has bestowed upon us to make my task and TATAS life a little more comfortable. I can accept the fact that when the time comes for him to go they will be present to make his transition from this world to the next as painless as possible for him.
What I can not accept or want are the people who they wanted to come in to take care of his daily needs. I appreciate there are people out there who do this , for I know there has to be a tremendous need , but not for my father. Every time I stand him up to put him in the shower , or in a chair I tell him to just hold on to me and I’ll do the rest. The feeling I get when this little man wraps his arms around me is one I would be hard pressed to describe adequately. The level of trust that he has is something I do not want him to lose. And the truth be told I don’t want to lose that feeling to a stranger. The way I joke with him or tell him how strong he is or how easy he makes my task at hand so he can retain some dignity and pride , I would not expect a stranger to do for him. So those folks don’t come here. I appreciate but can not accept their help.
I’ve often wondered what will I do after he is gone. Many have told me that I am a natural care giver but I am not. Those people are truly special I am not. I could not be paid enough to do for a stranger what I do for the love I have and receive from my father.
One day the sea will stop. The tide will not come back in. The ebb and flow that brings us the air that keeps us alive will cease for my father and for all of us and we will be released from the confines of this earthly existence and experience the crown jewel of creation that we can not see from here. Heaven , paradise , nirvana. Whatever you want call it the pinnacle of consciousness. But until that glorious time arrives we must maintain the ebb and flow of life. In and out. In and out. It’s o.k. to sleep TATA. In and out.