I wanted to post this in appreciation of my sisters who knew long before I did what path my life should follow. Thank you for your love and guidance. Thank you for believing in me when I could see nothing to believe in myself. This was originally posted November 2012.
>In and out …In and out. I lay here at night and listen the soft comforting sound of my fathers breathing. In and out. What a sweet sound to my ears. It is not unlike the sounds of the sea , the tide flowing .In and out There is no rattle in his breathing even though he is on hospice care.
Actually he is in pretty darn good physical condition except for his Parkinson’s that he has fought for the last twenty-six years.But just the word hospice brings a feeling of finality that one would rather not have to accept. I can accept some of it . Some of it I can’t. I can accept the nurse coming once a week to check him out so that I know I am doing the right things. TATA , my father , does not know the ladies are from hospice. There is no need for him to have that information.He believes they are friends of my sister , who is also a nurse , that just stops by to visit . He loves company and really tries to shine when someone is visiting. I can accept the wonderful items hospice has bestowed upon us to make my task and TATAS life a little more comfortable. I can accept the fact that when the time comes for him to go they will be present to make his transition from this world to the next as painless as possible for him.
What I can not accept or want are the people who they wanted to come in to take care of his daily needs. I appreciate there are people out there who do this , for I know there has to be a tremendous need , but not for my father. Every time I stand him up to put him in the shower , or in a chair I tell him to just hold on to me and I’ll do the rest. The feeling I get when this little man wraps his arms around me is one I would be hard pressed to describe adequately. The level of trust that he has is something I do not want him to lose. And the truth be told I don’t want to lose that feeling to a stranger. The way I joke with him or tell him how strong he is or how easy he makes my task at hand so he can retain some dignity and pride , I would not expect a stranger to do for him. So those folks don’t come here. I appreciate but can not accept their help.
I’ve often wondered what will I do after he is gone. Many have told me that I am a natural care giver but I am not. Those people are truly special I am not. I could not be paid enough to do for a stranger what I do for the love I have and receive from my father.
One day the sea will stop. The tide will not come back in. The ebb and flow that brings us the air that keeps us alive will cease for my father and for all of us and we will be released from the confines of this earthly existence and experience the crown jewel of creation that we can not see from here. Heaven , paradise , nirvana. Whatever you want call it the pinnacle of consciousness. But until that glorious time arrives we must maintain the ebb and flow of life. In and out. In and out. It’s o.k. to sleep TATA. In and out.
deepthinker52 
Beautifully written! You are right the people who can give that level of care to strangers are amazing, but the truth is so are you. To be able to take on that new role of care giver for your father is something to be proud of. It shows a great deal of strength and loyalty. There are many people out there that could never have that kind of a relationship with a parent, the role reversal is too confusing and difficult for them. Going from child to parents almost? You seem to take on this position with pride and honor, which is how it should be! I am amazed by your ability to give this care so readily and to consider nothing else. I only hope that when my parents need that kind of care I am able (and stable enough) to give it as passionately and humbly as you do!
You are way to kind. There is no doubt in my mind that with the strength of character that you show dealing with your diabetes that you will do all the right things. And you are right about the role reversal. If you have time click on the death and dying category and read the post-Death After Life…
How much so wonderfully summarized in the phrase ‘ebb and flow’. In reading this post I became more conscious of the wonder of my own breathing. Take care 🙂
We take the wonder of our on existence for granted sometimes. Thank you for stopping bye.
Hello, just came by to say ‘Hello’ and see how things going in a new post. Know you are busy with caregiving and self-care.
Happy it has been crazy. I had to an ambulance for my Mom Thursday a.m. She could not breathe. her throat had swollen completely shut. She came home last night and she is really not much better. Thank you so much for stopping bye. Waiting on the hospice people to show up for Dad.
Dear WhatWereYou: Whoa…that is a tough place to be. So glad ambulance arrived and assistance available for your mother and she is breathing. Great she is also coming home and was treated. Am so glad. The hospice people arrived? Goodness you need a yoga break or a good skate around the rink a few hundred times just to decompress. Take care. Blessings for peace.
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Hey Veronica! I can not believe how much I love what I do. I am a CNA but I work in the Activity Dept. My job is to make these folks happy and somehow through the grace of God I seem to be very good at it. There is nothing more disheartening than to have someone who feels that they have been discarded. We try to give their lives purpose and dignity. I don’t know where you work but I promise you, you have never seen a facility like ours. If y’all ever come to Blairsville stop in at the nursing home and say hello. I work Friday – Monday. Be well.
Eddie, sounds to me you are still the loving person you were in school. Its very sad but true their are special people who can be caregivers esp for their parents. My sisters and brother were caregivers for both mom & dad. I would have done anything for them both. As I am in the medical field I see CNA’s who bring patients in and finally see the grown up children come in when their parents are about to pass. When I retire I will be a caregiver for people who need someone esp. the ones that their own family want be their for them. Awsome job Eddie.
Beautiful!!!❤ I’m so glad you was there for him! Felt lime I was too!! Awesome writing!!
I miss him terribly
❤