It has been one week today from my fathers funeral and it is time to move forward. I have been fine during the day being able to help around the house more than I was able to before. The times when I look at the clock to see if it is time for his meds has diminished as well sticking my head in the room to make sure he is alright.
The nights are very difficult for I never reached that deep R.E.M state while he was alive because his voice was so weak I was afraid I wouldn’t hear if he called me. I could tell if he was sleeping well or if he was dreaming or if he was agitated by listening to his breathing. The sound of his breathing was soothing as well as comforting.
Today was the day for me to begin my renaissance. I started by going through his drawers. Sorting out his clothes and examining his personal effects. His watches , rings , jewelry and papers kept me busy all day. Boxing the clothes and recording the jewelry into a book so that my mother and siblings knew exactly what was there.
There were a few newspaper clippings and letters that will be valuable to my sisters and mother I’m sure. I was sitting at the kitchen table with papers spread everywhere when I found his living will.
The heaviest burden to carry through all of this was the fact that I , me , his son and caregiver was the one who made the decision to let my father die. I was the one who made the call on December 31 and told everyone else that it was time to let Tata go. I have owned that decision and have tried to carry it well.
But today I realized I did not make that decision at all. In Tata’s own hand it said that if he reached the point of comatose or could not enjoy a quality of life I DO NOT WANT ANY MEDICAL SUPPORT. Those words jumped out from the paper and landed in my heart , knocking this weight that I have been silently carrying off my shoulders. I wept with relief knowing from Daddy himself that he made that decision thirteen years ago. All I did was insure that his will was done.
Thank you so much Daddy.