Such a void that is left with my mothers passing. I had just started to become accustomed to Daddy not being here. I filled my days trying to keep Mom from exerting herself so that her heart and asthma would not be taxed.
Mom and I had a particularly strained relationship for the greater part of my life. Whether it was my fault or hers is not important nor will it be examined. What is important and needs to be foremost in my memory is that the last five months she was alive we grew closer than we had ever been before.
We laughed more and relaxed more around each other. She relinquished all responsibility as an adult to me and became like a little girl in her whims and wants. I would have never believed that was possible but she seemed like she was free of worry. I thoroughly enjoyed her company.
She took Daddy’s place for me. The need I inherently felt to care for someone after Daddy was gone was filled by her without me ever realizing it was happening. I wonder now if she knew how much she meant to me as an anchor for just being…for my very existence.
As I sit here writing this at my desk at the window the afternoon summer rain falls. It is such a soft whispering sound traversing through the pines to the grass and straw below. It is regular and dependable in the south. Every afternoon the rain will fall.
I need that sound. The house is quiet and the raindrops kissing the window pane is like welcomed company tapping to be let in. My life seems so surreal to me. I still expect Mom to show up as if she has been on a trip with one of my sisters. But she is not. She wouldn’t even if she could.
Even the hawk that would appear every time I went outside has gone. I thought that Daddy would send that hawk everyday just to let me know that he was watching over me but it seems it wasn’t me he was looking for…it was his mate. Now that they are together the hawk does not come.
Even in the yard the cry of the hawk is silent. In my head and my heart…in the kitchen and in the hall…there are only echos coming back from times past.
But they make me smile.