Such a void that is left with my mothers passing. I had just started to become accustomed to Daddy not being here. I filled my days trying to keep Mom from exerting herself so that her heart and asthma would not be taxed.

Mom and I had a particularly strained relationship for the greater part of my life. Whether it was my fault or hers is not important nor will it be examined. What is important and needs to be foremost in my memory is that the last five months she was alive we grew closer than we had ever been before.

We laughed more and relaxed more around each other. She relinquished all responsibility as an adult to me and became like a little girl in her whims and wants. I would have never believed that was possible but she seemed like she was free of worry. I thoroughly enjoyed her company.

She took Daddy’s place for me. The need I inherently felt to care for someone after Daddy was gone was filled by her without me ever realizing it was happening. I wonder now if she knew how much she meant to me as an anchor for just being…for my very existence.

As I sit here writing this at my desk at the window the afternoon summer rain falls. It is such a soft whispering sound traversing through the pines to the grass and straw below. It is regular and dependable in the south. Every afternoon the rain will fall.

I need that sound. The house is quiet and the raindrops kissing the window pane is like welcomed company tapping to be let in. My life seems so surreal to me. I still expect Mom to show up as if she has been on a trip with one of my sisters. But she is not. She wouldn’t even if she could.

Even the hawk that would appear every time I went outside has gone. I thought that Daddy would send that hawk everyday just to let me know that he was watching over me but it seems it wasn’t me he was looking for…it was his mate. Now that they are together the hawk does not come.

Even in the yard the cry of the hawk is silent. In my head and my heart…in the kitchen and in the hall…there are only echos coming back from times past.

But they make me smile.

This entry was posted in end of life care giving and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to ECHO

  1. My heart goes out to you

  2. sally1137 says:

    You’re at loose ends without anyone to take care of. I betcha there is a big orange cat at the shelter who would love to come home with you.

    Did you get the cyber flowers I sent?

  3. Marie Taylor says:

    beautifully said.

  4. Judy Kitchens says:

    Yes, as a way to honor your Mom and Dad you must choose now to go live your life with purpose and joy. They would want that for you as do we all. You are an honorable, compassionate, gifted man with a lot to offer the world so when you have sufficiently rested and healed be a recluse no more. Honestly it won’t be a feeling, it will be a choice. You are loved and appreciated cuz! Take baby steps…

  5. Sounds like you are on the way back! Good for you!

  6. Terry says:

    I know these feelings oh so well. They eventually get filled up with life again, but the void for me with the loss of both of my parents has never been filled in completely

  7. Tricia Forster says:

    Give yourself permission to feel joy. I know too well, time does not Heal. Tears will become laughter. Memories will always bring a smile. That deep seeded pain will always fade and love remains.

    • I know that what you are saying is true. I had just started to get to that point from the loss of my father who passed in January. I also know that I am very fortunate to have had my parents as long as I did.

  8. sandrabranum says:

    Perhaps it is time to think about getting a pet for inside the house. Something for you to take care of: a cat, dog or even fish. I know God sent me Mr. Sammo so long ago to ease my pain after Mom died. Perhaps He’ll do that for you too.

  9. You’re in our family’s prayers, brother!!!

  10. Zen Doe says:

    Hugs to you, dear one.

  11. Kim says:

    Perfect….I love this! I can so relate since my mom just left! Thank you for writing this!! You can find the right words to get it all across perfectly!!!! Keep up the awesome writing! ❤

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