It’s Been Awhile                                                          I do not know why my past history has been so heavy on my heart the last couple of days. I think I really do know. One of my sisters sent me a photo of my parents graves this week. She had put some beautiful flowers on their grave. The picture unleashed a flood of memories. While most of the memories were good they brought with them an introspection of my life. I have hurt so many people in almost every way that you could you possibly imagine.

Though I know God has forgiven me I carry them with me. I guess this is my penance for the pain that I have left behind me. That’s fair enough.

One of those memories reminds me of my salvation. At the age of 47 I was baptized. I hear people say they accepted Christ into their lives at the age of 7 or 10 or even 12. I think that is great but I do not believe that at that age they can fully understand the power of that act. At the age of 47 I KNEW that He literally saved my life.

I had seen friends die with the needle in their arm. I had shook my head that another has been found dead dropped on the side if the road riddled with bullets. The cops didn’t care. It was just one more drug dealer for them to try to catch. I didn’t care because in my mind at the time it meant there were just more addicts that needed a new source to feed their addictions. Business was booming. I have done or had someone else do horrible things to people who owed me money. Everyone else would pay if you just hurt one or two a year.

I have never been able to apologize to all the people I have hurt on this dark road I traveled for so many years. Maybe that is why I can’t put those memories to rest. I know many of you may look upon me differently. But you don’t know what it’s like

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9 Responses to It’s Been Awhile

  1. lisadarn says:

    Nothing but the blood of Jesus saves us all, no matter what. He forgave you, now you forgive yourself. ❤

    • 😦 I know that is true. But I sometimes feel like I don’t have that right

      • lisadarn says:

        You don’t have the right, that’s why it’s called grace. I like what No Virgin Mary said about making choices. God’s mercies are new everyday and you are choosing now to live a life pleasing to him. Not perfect, of course, but certainly better. Some theologian (can’t recall) said to treat your bad thoughts like birds. They might light on your head, but don’t let them build a nest. Choose grace for yourself, over and over again.

      • kim sargent says:

        When you accept Jesus, you received his grace! Be free my friend! When you accept that you will be free! Not accepting it makes His death in vain! Break thisr chai.s you are forgiven! It is finished! Grace n love!❤

      • I know you are right. I know I have been forgiven but it is difficult for me to forgive myself. But I’m getting better

  2. Terry says:

    The last person on earth who is able to forgive is our own selves. I know how difficult it is. We all have burdens we carry. The good thing is that God has forgiven you and me. The prayer you want to work on now is to ask God to help you forgive yourself. Big hugs

  3. Hey there, friend.
    Great to see your name on my reader again – I haven’t been around WP for awhile!

    Great song choice for this post. Such a brilliant song, amazing lyrics, and excellent message – none of us can ever truly know what it’s like to live another’s life.

    I’ve also been getting hit by the memories of the bad things I did whilst battling my mental illness… I know how it feels to never be able to atone for the despicable things you did, or to ever feel that you deserve any forgiveness.

    I’m trying to remind myself that although I take full responsibility for my actions during those times, I never did anything with malicious intent. I did it because I was affected by abuse that I had no control over.

    And I’m trying to remember that when I realised the one thing I *did* have control over was my own actions, I chose to change. I chose to do something different, something that would result in a positive result for myself, and more importantly, others.

    You can’t take back what you did in your past, but you can take from it – you can take the lessons you learned from your former self, and live by them.

    To me, you’ve spent a large majority of your life doing very positive things for people. Does it take away the negative things you once did? Never. But if you don’t allow yourself to feel forgiveness, you’ll be too crippled by guilt and shame to continue with the positive, great work you are doing now.

    You deserve forgiveness – we all do xox

  4. Lisa Darnell says:

    Rereading this due to the new post reminds me of Barry’s struggle he sings about in Like a Stone.

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