It’s Sunday…Again. This has become a day of great debate for myself. On one hand I long for the fellowship and companionship of going to church. On the other I simply can’t see myself walking in and scaring the hell out of those good people. Maybe Pastor would appreciate the help. Who knows?
I miss the energy and the Word. I miss the feeling I have when I leave. My step seems to be a little lighter as well as my heart. I haven’t been in nearly four years. I have been with my father who passed away January the fifth after a fierce battle with Parkinson’s Disease. Now I have no excuse for not attending. Well there is one.
My Pastor called me earlier this week just to let me know that I have been on his mind. I can’t tell you how good that made me feel. Though he never asked me why I haven’t been back since my father died I felt I owed him an explanation.
For one fleeting moment it crossed my mind to give him some excuse other than the truth. Something like “I’m not ready yet because I haven’t …” fill in the blank. That just didn’t seem right. Somehow I couldn’t be less than honest with the man who already knows my deepest secrets and greatest weaknesses. So I told him the truth.
I told him point blank that I haven’t been back because I have gotten fat. I haven’t seen him in almost four years ! It’s not like they saw me getting fat weekly! That would be totally different if I had been going every Sunday and gradually got fat. No. This is a shock these good people may not recover from soon.
Is this a sin? Does it fall under the “pride” category? How do I deal with this? Do I wait until I get down to my original weight or just until I feel better about myself? Does feeling guilty about not going make it better or is it worse because if I feel bad enough about not going then that must mean I know it’s wrong?
I have two hours to make a decision. It is twenty-four degrees outside and my mother just had an emergency breathing treatment. That’s two excuses and I still have two hours to go. No that’s three excuses…I’m still fat.