A Decision That Weighs Heavily

It’s Sunday…Again. This has become a day of great debate for myself. On one hand I long for the fellowship and companionship of going to church. On the other I simply can’t see myself walking in and scaring the hell out of those good people. Maybe Pastor would appreciate the help. Who knows?

I miss the energy and the Word. I miss the feeling I have when I leave. My step seems to be a little lighter as well as my heart. I haven’t been in nearly four years. I have been with my father who passed away January the fifth after a fierce battle with Parkinson’s Disease. Now I have no excuse for not attending. Well there is one.

My Pastor called me earlier this week just to let me know that I have been on his mind. I can’t tell you how good that made me feel. Though he never asked me why I haven’t been back since my father died I felt I owed him an explanation.

For one fleeting moment it crossed my mind to give him some excuse other than the truth. Something like “I’m not ready yet because I haven’t …” fill in the blank. That just didn’t seem right. Somehow I couldn’t be less than honest with the man who already knows my deepest secrets and greatest weaknesses. So I told him the truth.

I told him point blank that I haven’t been back because I have gotten fat. I haven’t seen him in almost four years ! It’s not like they saw me getting fat weekly! That would be totally different if I had been going every Sunday and gradually got fat. No. This is a shock these good people may not recover from soon.

Is this a sin? Does it fall under the “pride” category? How do I deal with this? Do I wait until I get down to my original weight or just until I feel better about myself? Does feeling guilty about not going make it better or is it worse because if I feel bad enough about not going then that must mean I know it’s wrong?

I have two hours to make a decision. It is twenty-four degrees outside and my mother just had an emergency breathing treatment. That’s two excuses and I still have two hours to go. No that’s three excuses…I’m still fat.

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12 Responses to A Decision That Weighs Heavily

  1. sally1137 says:

    I hear you. That’s the reason I am an agoraphobe. Not only fat but ugly and gray haired and my clothes don’t fit, and my hair is ugly and I look weird in a hat…and…and…and…

    I also realize (but can’t put it into practice yet) that other than minor gossiping and snotty remarks, people don’t care what you look like. They’re more worried about how THEY look.

    (FYI: I found your conversation with the barn coat guy on FP and followed the link.)

    • Well I am certainly glad you found me! I just got through visiting your blog and I haven’t laughed that hard in while! Thanks for that. Maybe we should start our own church! But then somebody would lose weight or bring a skinny friend and then…

      • sally1137 says:

        There we go! The First Church of Jesus Christ What’s for Supper.

        I haven’t had a chance to read your blog much yet–been running to town to stay with my mom. She got vertigo the other day, which doesn’t sound like much until you’re 92 and don’t want to eat and can’t make it to the bathroom without help.

        She’s doing much better now–we don’t have to be there 24/7 now, just check on her and make sure she eats.

        It’s yet more proof that old age is NOT for sissies. All the sissies died off in their sixties and seventies.

      • That is amazing that your mom is still that independent! I have a neighbor lady that I call ‘my other mother’ and she is 92 also. She still lives alone but I get her mail and feed her cats and always cook enough so that she can have a plate too.

        You are right. Old age is not for the weak.

  2. terry1954 says:

    I don’t know if this makes sense or not, but I haven’t been back to church since I placed my brother. I am a huge fan of Joyce Meyers and watch her. going into church brings up to the surface a little anger. i don’t want others to see my sadness. I don’t want to cry in church and lastly I am ashamed that I have a bit of anger at God for not healing or taking my brother home. My brother has suffered in many ways his entire life. when the PD came and began to show its ugly face so often I wondered and still do why, why him after everything else? I feel more comfortable right now watching Joyce on the TV and not being in the eye of the church

    • It makes perfect sense to me. Maybe because I have had that anger myself. (read my post Full Circle). It is difficult , no impossible , to try and make sense out of the “why” in so many situations. I really don’t think that it matters where you pray. Just pray. Pray for peace and solace. I don’t think understanding will come in this lifetime for most of us.

  3. Carrie Rubin says:

    I’m not sure if you made it there or not, but I wish you well. Thanks for stopping by my site. I appreciate it.

  4. No I didn’t make it but I’m pretty certain there is another Sunday at the end of this week also. Maybe ….

  5. sandrabranum says:

    I was raised in the back of a church building that my dad rented out to different churches. We used to listen to the sermon dressed in pjs sitting at our kitchen table; so I can say that you don’t Need to go to church. Church can be in your heart and your spirit. Take care.

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